Chapter 16
A whole year of Buddhist study was floating in my mind like a balloon, filled with emptiness yet ultimately present and real. Or is it the other way around? I thought about the beautiful alcove and the soft meditative breaths drawn from within it. A sweet time it was. Life evolves so quickly, unfolding at every moment. And each minute really is a life in and of itself, meaning we live thousands and thousands of lifetimes, all shadowed by death and brilliantly accented by death.
I was climbing these last miles slow and steady, enjoying the view, the spirit of the mountain, the fact that I was here - away from the television and the radio and all the distractions. When life is simplified (as it necessarily is in the mountains), life is so much easier to enjoy. Being separated from possible distractions makes one’s desires more simple. The warmth from a campfire is golden, the taste of water is wine, the breeze on a hot day is magic air conditioning that rivals any engineered box that’s bound to break down soon anyway. There’s a reason people find God in the mountains. She lives in them.
But She lives away from them too and this is because God resides in people. How could She not? We rise from within this world, a tiny fetus to a grown adult. We bring to this world a reflection of itself. Climbing up San Jacinto, I became Jacinto’s eyes. I observed Jacinto, I let her know how beautiful she was. Through me she felt the breeze through her trees, saw the green in her grass. And she knew she was doing me a favor so I endured the painful thighs to continue my journey. And ultimately, God was awoken.
As I continued my ascent the trees slowly disappeared and I knew tundra was ahead. The wind got stronger and stronger and my eyes were on fire. The trail also got less and less obvious as the fine dirty path became more and more filled with rocks. Before I knew it I was just rock climbing with no particular direction but to follow but “up”. I knew I’d be done when I couldn’t go up anymore.
I thought about the old Buddhist saying - “When you reach the top of a mountain keep climbing.” I said it over and over in my mind, this repetition being a practice called contemplation in which you envelop and become enveloped by the message. It’s quite a change from the habitual “computation” of words.
When I reach the end, keep climbing.
When I reach the end, keep climbing.
When I reach the end, keep climbing.
And all the while the wind was whistling out the same phrase in an eternal song.
The trail was gone and rocks were all there was to guide me. In the distance I saw a tiny little flag blowing wildly in the wind. As I got closer I recognized a peace sign in the mini flag and I noticed that the flag was very much alive, dancing in the wild winds. I had made it. The flag was the marker, the place where you could rest your sore legs and look out over the entire world. I sat down and took a deep breath.
The wind was so strong I knew I couldn’t stay here for long. I thought about Jonathon and the story he told us of reaching the top of a mountain and just screaming at the world because there was no peace atop it. Just gusts of violent wind. But I was in a good place. I had no expectations on this journey (incidentally, probably the reason I finally made it all the way). I just sat as still as I could and thought about Paige and Lindy and Dannon and Jonathon and my mother and father and my sisters and I said a big loving prayer on their behalf.
I chanted in the wind, atop old Jacinto, “My brothers, my sisters, may you one day find your Buddha nature.” I repeated this five times, the fifth time extending it to all the world, including myself, and it felt pure and clean. It was a grand expression of sweet karuna.
Then I continued, “May we release our earthly desires, for they dissipate so rapidly, leaving you hungry and thirsty. May we let go of expectations, for they discourage you and leave you cold and lonely and should they be met, they only breed more expectations. May we embrace the world through our development of the self, the highest stage of development being the emancipation of the self. May we seek community and brother and sisterhood through a sensitive heart. May we love our neighbors. May we one day learn how to control the incredible weapons we’ve created. May we look each other in the eye. May we set time aside each day to gather ourselves and let go of that which plagues us. Yes, may we each have our alcove and sip fine green tea and sit in our Buddha nature with our beginner’s mind.”
I thought about that tiny alcove and laughed as I thought of big me squished within it. And, heart alive, I thanked good old San Jacinto for the lessons she taught me.
“Thank you San Jacinto. You’ve given me snow, mountain lions, and shadow trees. You’ve caused anger, frustration, sadness, and fatigue within me. You’ve helped direct my path and now I sit on top of you, tired but happy. But I see that, reaching the top, I now must continue to climb. I see that you no longer have rocks to assist me with this. And so the real journey begins - to walk on air. Thank you for leading me this far.”
My hair was wild in the wind and my body was all goose bumps and shivers. It was time to head back. I’d be walking back on the trail, but forward on my journey.
I stood up and, looking out at the world and all those good people down below, I gathered myself and, with lion strength, yelled out “Adios San Jacinto” as loud as I could. It echoed through the valleys. Then, turning around, I came face to face with a middle aged couple who had just made it to the top. I turned bright red and, passing them, muttered under my breath, “Uh, yes. Nice hike, eh? Well, enjoy the view and, uh, I just want to let you know I absolutely love you and I just prayed for you and I’m going to go now. I love you both. Sorry for the yell.”
They stared at me in utter confusion as I made my way down the rocks. I was a sad little Bikkhu in love with the Dharma, the Karma, and God. I was in drunk love with the Is. I was heading down to fight the good fight and I felt mighty fine about it. I was utterly lost in this crazy world and, as a result, never felt so found.
That night the sun set on San Jacinto and I was driving home, windows rolled down.
The End
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